READER ALERT - Look for an important announcement at the end of this masterpiece!!

     Well boys, the season is over and Pat has granted me complete autonomy and absolute artistic freedom to write about whomever and whatever I want.  I asked him to look it over and clean it up (if necessary) prior to it being published but, now that I've seen the finished product; I'm not entirely sure what some of this stuff means.  I have to admit that it reads real good though.

     Anyway, I was tempted at first to attack all those who have tormented me about my playing ability, weight, lack of any course management, etc., but I’ve decided to completely ignore the insults and take the high road.  I think it’s safe to say that all the members of the Men’s Night Committee as well as most of the Men’s Night players have, at some time during the last two years, wondered about my success as a captain.  A back-to-back winning Captain of Men's Night just in case you weren't aware.  I decided that, in the spirit of Men’s Night and, to make it more competitive in years to come, I would let the secret out and allow you to see my Men’s Night Playbook.  As you might imagine there is an ironclad copyright on this material but I am prepared to make an exception and allow you to reproduce this document if you feel it will help.  I will be available to sign copies of the playbook and to pose for pictures just prior to the Champions Dinner on Friday September 26, 2008. 

Here are the steps I follow to ensure victory...

Tip # 1 - It’s easier when you’re on the inside.  I admit that being the senior member of the Men's Night Committee helps. Some of you probably already know this but Pat wouldn’t dare make a move without first consulting me and I use that position of power to my benefit. Being the most valued Men’s Night Committee member allows me a bit of a say in who we ask to become Captains for the each year.  As you can tell from the yearly list; I put in a mix of good and downright awful. I like to make sure we have a nice complement of schleps like Stanbridge, Katadosis and Monster. Guys who truly don’t understand the team concept. I also look for guys like Costibile, Polischuk and Houle who couldn’t get a bee to follow them if they were running around naked covered in honey and, just so it’s not a complete walk in the park, I included a few reasonably good guys like Munro, Woody and Howden who at least make an effort despite never having a chance of winning.

Tip # 2 - Do not pick your relatives.  That’s partly why Gary Dorsey could never be a Captain. He’s related to almost every guy who plays in the league.  The most obvious case of “relative failure” was Mike Hurley Sr. picking his son and then, "drafting the monkey" as Pat so eloquently described in an earlier article.  Truth be told, he would probably have been better off with the monkey.  Why, in the name of all things sacred, would Mike draft his son?   The kid refused to help out around the house growing up, never listened to anything you said but you think he is going to help in this event.  Stanbridge drafted his brother in law, Brian Knott, in the second round who kindly repaid him with a bloated 40.38 scoring average - talk about the blind leading the stupid.  Look where these guys ended up. 

Tip # 3 - Use all the information provided.  Just prior to the draft Pat provides each Captain with a detailed list of every draftees participation record since the beginning of the league and their most recent Men’s Night handicap.  That is all anyone needs to pick a decent team.  Here's a hint... make sure you look at it before you get to the draft.  There are 14 teams in the league therefore I make up a list of the people I want based on handicap and participation for all 14 rounds before I get into the draft and I never waiver from it.  This extensive preparation serves two very important purposes; it allows me to keep focussed solely on the task at hand and, most importantly, it leaves me free to shovel far more than my share of the ribs, wings and beer into my gullet throughout the evening. 

Tip # 4 - Smooze baby, smooze.  As you know, my dedication to family, a super-human commitment to several local charities and an extremely hectic work schedule precludes me from playing much golf but, in order to learn what is going at my club, I do my best to “work the streets” as we say in the scouting business.  The league does not start until the middle of May so if you plan on being a captain talk to the guys that are out in April and beginning of May.  You will get to know who will be around for the summer, who won’t and, it will help with your selections.  Here's a hint for Bryan Monster - next year, don't pick the guys who are going to be away.

Tip # 5 - Get to know the new guys on the draft list.  Most of these guys are keeners so they are usually out the minute the golf season starts.  These are the sleeper picks.  My sleeper pick in last year's draft was a then little known little fellow named Mike Martino.  At the 2008 draft I absolutely stole Bob Ash and Brad Robertson.  Now that I think about it the sleepers at this draft were actually the other Captains.  

Tip # 6 - If they sign-up, they probably want to play.  This is where the team building starts. Everyone you picked signed up so that shows they are committed to playing.  It is your job to motivate them to come out. Meet them at the club; introduce team members either personally or through an Email. Let the guys on your team know a bit about everybody else on the team and make sure that they know that just by coming out they are making a contribution.

Tip # 7 - Lie... but only when necessary.  This year, one of our teammates, Dr. Bob Farley, met me on the tee and solemnly swore he could not be out the following week because of a commitment he'd made to a charitable Doctor's tournament.  I explained to him that I didn’t give a damn about his life outside the club; Men's Night is all I have in my pathetic life and I would kill myself if he didn’t play.  That was all it took. Bob came to me that night and told me he would do everything humanly possible to get his nine holes in during the morning before going to the tournament.  I told him he had better not be so much as two minutes late because I had a knife in my golf bag and 14 feet of rope in my locker.  You see... where there is a will there is a way.

Tip # 8 - Communication is the answer to the problem.  I send out two rambling, incoherent, poorly punctuated Emails to my teammates each week. One is to let them know how we did that week, who the standouts were and whether or not we won any money.  The second message is to let them know who we are up against and who might be away the next week.  My boys know that I love them and they, in turn, love me and, as I'm sure you'll all agree... love is a fucking beautiful thing.  

Tip # 9 - Stay away from people you know.  All of the guys who sign up are just like you and me.  Well, they're like me except for the fact that they haven't pretty much single-handedly led the winning team to back to back titles.  They are just regular members who want to compete, have fun and meet other guys.  I have yet to pick someone for my team who was a complete dufus and I've had the opportunity to meet some people who I consider a very small part of the reason I won the $800 Captains bet - I hate to get maudlin on you here but, all kidding aside, I will never forget these guys... Bart Mackillop, Mike Ferguson, Ben Farley, Bill Ash, Dave Lawrie, Mick Brumaru, John Chapman, Dick Iezzi Jr., Rick Hoover, one of the Luciani brothers (I can never tell those two guys apart), Cameron Mann, Jim Shannon, Jimmy Glaves, Mitt Moffat, Steve Newsome, Matt Nemeth and, of course, Bard Robertson.  You can't forget the guys who helped you on the way up. 

Tip # 10 - Performance means nothing.  Heaven knows if performance mattered I would be the last player picked and one hell of a lonely man.  The only thing that matters is participation. If you get 16 to 18 guys to show up every week the scoring will take care of itself.  Not only that but different people will always contribute as long as everyone comes out.  This way, if your team plays poorly one night it doesn’t completely kill your chances.  As Dave Pugh pointed out in his kind of interesting article a few weeks ago - If Team #12 had the same participation as my Team # 6 they would been in second place rather than dead last. You have to stress this to your guys every week.

Tip # 11 - Do not worry about your own score.  As a Captain it is your responsibility to rally the troops, make sure you know who is going to be out every week, who will be absent, console the ones who played badly and congratulate the ones who played well.  As I have often been quoted in the past "Scotty Bowman does not have all those Stanley Cup rings because he could skate or score goals"

     So, there you have it.  The secret is out and the masterpiece has been written.  The funny thing is I know that guys like Katadotis, Costible and Monster - even with all this information - will go with their hunches and mess it up again next year.  As I once famously said, "you can lead a horse to water but he'll still draft like a dink".  

     I would be remis in my duties as substitute writer if I didn't go over a few things we have accomplished this season.  In 2008, 250 guys signed up and played approximatley 3000 Men's Night rounds.  Our weekly average was almost exactly 185 players and, when it's all over, almost $40,000 in prizes will have been distributed.  This is a long way from the first week about 6 or 7 years ago when we had 7 guys play and the winner walked away with a cool $3.50.  As well, the playoffs were quite a success this year and, with just a little tweak, I'm sure they will be even better and more exciting in the future.  We decided on two pools this year - a losers pool (oops, I mean Pool B) that ended up with a tight race to the end and, of course, the Murphy Pool (oops, I mean Pool A) which was also tightly contested.    As you should know (if your captain was any good) the top 4 teams in Pool A (and ties) get paid and the top 3 teams (and ties) in Pool B get paid so even the losers (oops, I mean Pool B) can pick up a little scratch.  Now for the major announcement... After leading my team to victory for the last 2 years I feel it is time to hang up my skates (so to speak).  Although I am eligible to captain again in 2009 due to a "keep going until you lose" clause in the two-year term limit for Captains, I feel my work is done here.  The accomplishments of my teams during the last 2 years include but are not limited to... most money won per player, most team money won, most victories in a season, most points in a season, most participation points in a season, and lowest weekly score.  I think we can all agree that these marks will never be broken.  For the sake of the league and to ensure some decent competition among the teams I will be retiring until such a time as any of my records are broken.  We all know this will be a long, long time away.  I want to personally thank the teammates I've had during the last 2 years and hope that our accomplishments added to your enjoyment of the league.  I look forward to seeing you all next week at our season ending SWATFEST.  This is the premier event of the year and a spectacle you will not want to miss. 

     And so, my friends, I think I'll just retire to the Men's Lounge or, as I like to call to it - the house that Murphy built - and relax with my beverage of choice - a nice little mix of Iced Tea and Lemonade commonly referred to as an Arnold Palmer.  But wait, maybe I should consider a new golf-themed libation.  Perhaps an Al MacDonald.  That's any drink at all... as long as someone else paid for it of course.

Au revoir, adios and goodbye,

Murphy