Welcome to the Men's League 2009 Season
Fat, Wild and Stupid / Unwritten Rules of Golf - Part IAug 12, 2009 | Posted by The Committee After my round I had the distinct pleasure of sitting with this week’s Most Useless Bastard - Mr. Gary St. German. Isn't it interesting that just a few short weeks ago I was fielding phone calls, Emails and text messages from the game's guardians about Gary's unbelievably low net score yet not one of these self-proclaimed protectors of the grand old game are concerned in the least about his unbelievably high one this week. Same formula... curious, no? Anyway, back to Gary and his deplorable performance... it was obvious he was sincerely upset so, as any quasi-supportive completely apathetic golf-buddy would - I sat there and did my best to appear interested. I have to be honest with you however… all I could think about while this poor, slow-witted man poured his heart out to me was a variation of that famous line from the movie Animal House… "fat, wild and stupid is no way to play this game, son." Ain’t it the truth.
Speaking of Useless Bastards... what the hell happened to Dyck's Pycks and Adam's Apples? It's one to thing you go down fighting but when you don't even show up for the battle... well, that is inexcusable. I'm not sure what else there is to say about that.
The Unwritten Rules of Golf... Part I A couple of things that are unique to Golf are the level of importance placed on etiquette and the concept of the game’s unwritten rules. I thought it might be worthwhile if, for the next few weeks, I pointed out a few of what I feel are the most important regulations that you won’t find in any rule book or golf-related instruction manual…
The Dick Out… I try to avoid stating things in absolutes but I’m prepared to go out on a limb in this particular case. I figure I’ve played somewhere in the range of 1500 rounds in my life - at some of the snootiest private clubs and some of the most uninspired goat tracks - and I’m prepared to go on record as saying that the only rule in golf that is recognized immediately, interpreted correctly and the penalty assessed 100% accurately is the Dick Out. I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was playing alongside the Good Lord Himself. If He popped one up on # 6 and His ball came to rest short of the red tees I am absolutely positive the Holy Mother would glance over at the All Powerful and demand to see if He had ever visited a Mohel. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.
That is all,
The Committee |
Hole-in-One FundHole #2 ...$1500Hole #4 ...$1500Hole #9 ...$500
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Posted by: I don't get it | Aug 12, 2009 04:25 PM
Posted by: Allow me... | Aug 13, 2009 10:44 AM
Posted by: Dumb as a stump | Aug 13, 2009 06:04 PM
Raining On Our Parade...
Jul 22, 2009 | Posted by The Committee
The story this week is undoubtedly the weather. I had a couple of things I needed to clear up with the Pro Shop this Tuesday so I called out first thing in the morning and asked how things were looking on the course. The reply, "not to good. It’s about 48 and there’s a 50% chance of a shower". I told him he might have to be more specific... I honestly didn't know if he was referring to the weather or Joe Demerling.
I don't know if I should be proud of the of guys who did play or disgusted by the number of guys who didn't. When all was said and done we had 83 guys who braved the elements and played for God, Country and Captain though, in some cases, it probably wasn't even close to being in that order. The sad part of all this is that we still had one guy who didn't play but still wanted to be compensated for his trouble. The only reason he was in the lounge was to grab a beer and to see if he could get a participation point for his team. Now, before anyone gets carried away and threatens to do something they have no intention of following through on, don’t worry, I’m on top of things. If there’s one skill I’ve developed during my time on this earth it’s the capacity to cut to the chase and his situation was summed up fairly easily - what I had here was a guy who didn’t want to get wet but still thought he deserved a pint, a point and a pat on the back. Not on my watch, baby. I can’t speak to the booze but I can guarantee you he didn’t get either of the other two
Speaking of Useless Bastards... I can’t tell you how shocked I was to see that Mr. Gary McCalman had played so poorly when you consider that he was top ten in the Low Sandbagger category the last time out. The truly sad part about his horrible net of 43 this week is that I was told he's actually been working on his game. My source, who can't be identified becuase I'm making most of this up, told me that, this week, Specky incorporated a new drill into an already peculiar pre-shot routine that was apparently designed to make him look like an idiot while shooting a preposterously high score. You really have to respect the effort guys like Speck put in so they can continue to play like crap. According to Specky, the purpose of his new exercise is to promote a stationary head during the backswing but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t move everything but his bowels during the downswing. I told him he should keep working on it but, honestly, that was only to provide the rest of you with the opportunity to see him in action before he switches to a less foolish method of swing-repair. I’d prefer that you keep that last part quiet if you don’t mind.
That is all,
The Committee
Posted by: Uselss Bastard | Jul 22, 2009 01:20 PM
The House That Matt Built...
Jul 15, 2009 | Posted by The Committee
The low mob this week was Pretty in Pink with a very nice 245. Sincere congrats go to Mr. Joe Demerling who led the team with a pretty nifty gross score of 35 but the real story was the very strong showing on the net side of the ledger... Defreitas and Howarth both posted net 33’s and Tosell, Tosell and Guthro followed closely with net 34’s. A net 36 had you looking up from the Useless Bastards column. That’s some pretty good shooting. I guess a hearty "well done" should also go to Mr. Will Pinczel who played like crap but, thankfully, picked the right day to be a hanger-on. Each participating member of Joe’s team (yes, even Will) should find their Pro Shop accounts just a little healthier than they were on Monday. Good job, boys.
Speaking of Useless Bastards... I can’t tell you how shocked I was to see that Mr. Paul Smith had played so poorly. Up until this week the highest net score Paul had on his record was 36. What the hell happened? The truly sad part about his horrible net of 44 this week is that I was told Paul recently started working on his game. I know he was talking about getting fitted for a new driver and not long ago he went to the trouble of taking a few lessons. Yesterday, Paul incorporated a new drill into an already peculiar pre-shot routine that was apparently designed to make him look like an idiot while shooting a preposterously high score. You really have to respect the effort guys like Paul put in so they can continue to play like crap. According to Mr. Smith, the purpose of his new exercise is to promote a stationary head during the backswing but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t move everything but his bowels during the downswing. I told him he should keep working on it but, honestly, that was only to provide the rest of you with the opportunity to see him in action before he switches to a less foolish method of swing-repair. I’d prefer to keep that last part quiet if you don’t mind.
Finally, if you take a quick glance at the low gross category, you will see the name, Matt Abbot who, not surprisingly, shot a pretty good score again this week. Matty told me he that although he was reasonably happy with the result he kind of scraped it around yesterday. He hoped the guys he played with understood that the practice of pocketing large sums of money despite what would have to be described as a "smoke and mirrors" performance is not something he necessarily enjoys so, to ease any psychological burden, he immediately donated his winnings to a wonderful local charity… Matt Abbot House. A charming little trust he recently established so he could build himself another house. He asked me to tell everyone, thanks... he can hardly wait for next time.
That is all,
The Committee
Music Hath Charms...
Jun 24, 2009 | Posted by The Architect
Alright, alright… what about your dismal performance?
First off, I should apologize to my team captain, Mr. Richard Denley, who, I imagine, after seeing my score, probably looked like he just woke up with a fat girl and a mouth full of flour. The leader of Dyck's Picks has done a nice job keeping our team involved despite our poor start but I know he expected far more out of me this year. The demon that’s inhabited my putter for the last several years seems to have found its way to my driver which means that in addition to missing putts I’m now missing fairways which is proving difficult to overcome.
So, what exactly is the problem?
I’ve lost my groove, man. It’s as simple as that. Perhaps it’s because of my musical background but I’ve been wondering lately about the relationship between music and athletics. When it comes to music the benefits of having a nice fluid rhythm are obvious and although the disciplines aren’t necessarily related I think you’ll agree that gifted musicians and great players typically have a wonderful even tempo. I’ve heard of several golf professionals who, when trying to improve their pacing, practice while listening to a metronome or a specific musical piece. The bottom line, my friends; in my opinion, rhythm is the reason Tom Purtzer still hits it long, Fred Funk still hits it straight and Ben Crenshaw still rolls it where he’s looking.
As fate would have it, my theories on all this crap were put to the test this Wednesday when I found myself paired with, Mr. Joe Demerling, who, when not working as a freelance agronomical genius extolling his expertise on all things related to green speeds, bunker consistency and turf quality, is pretty good with the flat stick. While I’ve been rushing my swing and jabbing my putts, Joe exhibits the unhurried confidence of an in-the-zone musician who’s really found his groove. You should spend some time watching him roll the ball. From pretty much the opening bar to the final Coda Joey has a silky smooth "Steely Dan" kind of thing going with his putting stroke and, not surprisingly, he makes more than his fair share of putts. As for me, well, musically speaking... with the driver I’m feeling more like jazz nut case, Theolonius Monk, than either Fagen or Becker (those are the two guys who comprise Steely Dan) and my putting stroke has long been reminiscent of the ear-wrecking discord of ‘80s numb nuts, Devo, than any sort of silky jazz fusion. This week, when all was said and done, Little Stevie Wonder could have seen that I was neither Purtzer with the big stick nor gentle Ben with the flat one causing Demerling to remark that I was, quite possibly, the whitest putter he had ever seen. Truth be told, I have no idea what he meant but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good. I promise to keep you posted.
That is all,
The Architect
Posted by: Confused | Jun 24, 2009 03:23 PM
Posted by: Interesting Fact | Jun 25, 2009 11:02 AM
Welcome Back
May 28, 2009 | Posted by Randy
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