Emily Post was an American author perhaps best known for her writing on the subject of etiquette.  Her name is synonymous with refined behaviour and proper manners but, and I’m sure you’ll be as surprised as I was to learn this, Ms. Post was also passionate about the game of golf.  A worn and tattered copy of her only golf-related piece was recently discovered in the locker room and although it will never be as popular as her best-selling book, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home she had some interesting insight regarding the game.  For no particular reason, I thought it might benefit the members of our league so, after procuring the necessary permission, I’ve re-printed a small list of what dear Emily felt were the most important matters, behavioural issues and social graces for the gentleman golfer.

Scoring

Given the typically competitive nature of our weekly Men’s Golf League, one might expect each participant to "putt out on every hole".  I realize, dear reader, that this can be painful to watch if you are accompanied by Messrs. Poag, Bland and LaForest (three of this week’s most useless bastards) but I strongly suggest you avoid any leniency with respect to this rule unless of course one of the aforementioned bums is actually on the practice putting green.

Pace of Play

Because very few gentleman golfers are capable of determining the order and actually getting their ass on to the tee in a timely manner we strongly encourage all players to practice "ready golf".  The term, “ready golf”, by the way, was devised right here at Lombard Glen when Mr. Harry Buchanan (the fourth of our Most Useless) finally came to terms with the fact that he would never earn or be entitled to the "honour" on any tee, anywhere, or at any time.

Unsolicited Instruction

It is one of the confounding yet irrefutable truths of the game that a man with an index of 39 thinks he’s Bob Toski when he learns his playing partner is a 40.  The rule here is very simple… if they don’t ask – you don’t say.  I don’t care if Helen Keller could find the flaw - say nothing.  Golf is a game of self-discovery.  If they want your help, they will ask. 

The Beverage Cart

Only young, attractive and shapely women should ever be permitted to operate the beverage cart.  Please bear in mind that it is incumbent upon the gentleman golfer to always treat the “hottie” that is operating the vehicle with the utmost respect regardless of the following;

(i) her physical appearance; (ii) her manner of dress; (iii) her willingness to pretend that you are even remotely interesting. 

Gambling is Good

This writer understands that most everyone enjoys playing the game with a small wager on the outcome.  It increases the interest level and exposes your opponent’s weaknesses for your entertainment but please remember this; no one cares how you structure the wager or how high the stakes are as long as, at the conclusion of the round, all debts are satisfied immediately… in cash.  No cheque, no promissory note and no perky suggestion that the bet be carried over to the next game.  When it’s over, pay up.  Oh, and no coins.  The gentleman golfer pays his gambling debts with real paper money.  Just to be safe, come prepared to finance a complete and total collapse.

You Are What You Shoot

I am here to tell you that the moment you set foot on the 1st tee people only care about one thing - what kind of game you have.  Once the pegs are in the ground no one gives a damn about the wealth you’ve amassed or the knobs with whom you hob… be it right or wrong; in the golf world it is your handicap that defines you my friends.  And, I guarantee you this… people will judge you and your relative value to the club depending on your index - sorry Phil Edwards.  It is that number that ultimately determines your position in golf’s hierarchy.

The Dick Out

I try, dear reader, to avoid stating things in absolutes but I’m prepared to go out on a limb in this particular case.  The only rule in golf that is recognized immediately, interpreted correctly and the penalty assessed 100% accurately is the Dick Out.  I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was playing alongside the Good Lord Himself.  If He popped one up on and His ball came to rest short of the “forward” tees I am certain the Holy Mother would demand a Dick Out.  Hey, I realize it might be a little crass but it is a rule.

That is all,

An Anonymous Blogger