We received a few questions regarding the new slides that appeared on the TV.  One slide indicated the Super League Standings for a particular day and the second slide indicated where our Men's League stood in the Overall Super League Standings.  This led a few people to ask, "what the hell is a Super League" so I contacted the gentleman who designed the system to get an explanation ...

                                                    2011 Super League Explanation

     The inspiration for the Super League was the electronic trivia game we've all seen in different bars, pubs and restaurants.  The game allows patrons to compete against other people in their own bar while simultaneously going up against other pubs, bars and restaurants throughout North America.  It’s not only fun to see how your group stacks up against the rest of the world but it also encourages and stimulates a little camaraderie within the bar.  Using that electronic trivia game as a guideline he introduced a golfscoring Super League where clubs/leagues compete against others in their general geographic area.  Each week, the system isolates the net scores from each league in our Super League Grouping, determines the low 10% and then calculates the average (relative to par) score of those players.  Example: The Oaks Men’s League recorded 83 scores this past week.  The system isolates the low 10% of our net scores (8) and then determines the cumulative total relative to par (- 21).  The system then divides by the number of scores posted (- 21/8 = - 2.63) to determine our league scoringaverage (LSA).   Our LSA of (- 2.63) is compared against the other leagues within our Super League grouping.  We receive one (1) point for each league we beat each week.   After the second week of competition we are in 6th place our of 14 leagues which means those bastards over at Sunningdale, Stratford and Craigowan are even a bigger bunch of sandbaggers than we are!   I've already heard from Marc over at Sunningdale who told me their boys have really taken the Super League concept to heart this year so hopefully we can defend our honour and teach those over-rated stiffs a lesson on how to actually play this game.  The Super League competitions run from May 30th through September 2nd.   As of yet, they are still working on Super League sponsorship in order to procure a suitable trophy and establish a prize pool but, for now, bragging rights and, hopefully, an improved sense of community is enough of a reward. 

                                                 Alright, alright… Any Good Stuff This Week?

     I know we're in for a great season now that the place has dried out a bit and overall I think our participation has been pretty good in 2011.  I was going to focus on the great individual and team performances from yesterday like Rob Kingshott's quest to snag the Molson Cup White Whale - winning outright both the Low Gross and Low Net awards in the same week or the nifty 172 turned in by Team Rickards Red but if there's one thing I've learned during my time it's that no one really cares about who played well.  It's the train wrecks, uncontrollable gagging and pathetic self-destructions that garner our attention and keep our interest.  That being said, this edition of the blog is dedicated to the woefully inept, the deliciously deplorable, the agonizingly awful performances of the five gentlemen who found their way to the top of the Most Useless Bastard's list for this week.  Oh, but for the grace of God and the good fortune of being born to two reasonably well-coordinated parents go I.

                                                               A Primer In Golf Etiquette

     Emily Post was an American author perhaps best known for her writing on the subject of etiquette.  Her name is synonymous with refined behaviour and proper manners but, and I’m sure you’ll be as surprised as I was to learn this, Ms. Post was also passionate about the game of golf.  A worn and tattered copy of her only golf-related piece was recently discovered in the Pro Shop and although it will never be as popular as her best-selling book, Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics, and at Home she had some interesting insight regarding the game.  For no particular reason, I thought it might benefit the members of the Molson Cup Men's League so, after procuring the necessary permission, I’ve re-printed a partial list of what dear Emily felt were the most important matters, behavioural issues and social graces for the gentleman golfer.

Scoring

Given the typically competitive nature of our weekly Men’s Golf League, one might expect each participant to "putt out on every hole".  I realize, dear reader, that this can be painful to watch if you are accompanied by any number of our questionably skilled members but I strongly suggest you avoid any leniency with respect to this rule unless of course one of the aforementioned “gentlemen” is actually on the practice putting green.

Pace of Play

Because very few gentleman golfers are capable of determining the order and actually getting their ass on to the tee in a timely manner we strongly encourage all players to practice "ready golf".  The term, “ready golf”, by the way, was devised right here in Komoka, Ontario when our very own Golf Professional, Mr. Bob Dulong, finally came to terms with the fact that he would never earn or be entitled to the "honour" on any tee, anywhere, or at any time.

Unsolicited Instruction

It is one of the confounding yet irrefutable truths of the game that a man with an index of 39 thinks he’s Bob Toski when he learns his playing partner is a 40.  The rule here is very simple… if they don’t ask – you don’t say.  I don’t care if Helen Keller could find the flaw - say nothing.  Golf is a game of self-discovery.  If they want your help, they will ask. 

The Beverage Cart

Only young, attractive and shapely women should ever be permitted to operate the beverage cart.  Please bear in mind that it is incumbent upon the gentleman golfer to always treat the “hottie” that is operating the vehicle with the utmost respect regardless of the following;

(i) her physical appearance; (ii) her manner of dress; (iii) her willingness to pretend that you are even remotely interesting. 

Gambling is Good

This writer understands that most everyone enjoys playing the game with a small wager on the outcome.  It increases the interest level and exposes your opponent’s weaknesses for your entertainment but please remember this; no one cares how you structure the wager or how high the stakes are as long as, at the conclusion of the round, all debts are satisfied immediately… in cash.  No cheque, no promissory note and no perky suggestion that the bet be carried over to the next game.  When it’s over, pay up.  Oh, and no coins.  The gentleman golfer pays his gambling debts with real paper money.  Just to be safe, come prepared to finance a complete and total collapse.

You Are What You Shoot

I am here to tell you that the moment you set foot on the 1st tee people only care about one thing - what kind of game you have.  Once the pegs are in the ground no one gives a damn about the wealth you’ve amassed or the knobs with whom you hob… be it right or wrong; in the golf world it is your handicap that defines you my friends.  And, I guarantee you this… people will judge you and your relative value to the club depending on your index which is, I imagine, particularly disheartening for a great many of our boys.  It is that number that ultimately determines your position in golf’s hierarchy.

The Dick Out

I try, dear reader, to avoid stating things in absolutes but I’m prepared to go out on a limb in this particular case.  The only rule in golf that is recognized immediately, interpreted correctly and the penalty assessed 100% accurately is the Dick Out.  I don’t care if the Virgin Mary was playing alongside the Good Lord Himself.  If He popped one up on and His ball came to rest short of the “forward” tees I am certain the Holy Mother would demand a Dick Out.  Hey, I realize it might be a little crass but it is a rule.

That is all,

An Anonymous Blogger