Greetings, all.

The evening's festivities were graciously sponsored by Dan "Not Dave" Stezenko and David "Not Dan" Stezenko, of Quality Market Inc. and Quality Market County Fair Inc. Despite the confusion caused by their fraternal relationship, similar appearance, and nearly alike stature, one may now be further bewildered by the uncertainty as to who works at which business location. David is, of course, most relieved that there is no element of confusion possible when one learns that a "Stezenko" has posted a low (gross) score, given that any such statement to that effect is NEVER in reference to Dan.

Dan and David not only donated $500 towards the prize pool, but also placed on the River 1 tee box four (4) crates of oranges and apricots (okay, perhaps these were tangelos and peaches, mandarins and pears, tangerines and apples, or some other combination thereof, considering that this anonymous blog writer is unfamiliar with not only fruits and vegetables, but also tofu, alfalfa, bean sprouts, and edible seaweed). Len "Beanie" Arbour, who is never one to pass on anything free and is also a rather astute businessman, was seen stuffing his golf bag with this produce while at the same time proclaiming something akin to, "I can sell these to the hookers on Simpson Street for a dime each so that they can offset the effects of scurvy". (One must ask Len how he has determined that these ladies have loose, rotting, or no teeth.) Len was also so fortified with Vitamin C after ravenously devouring a dozen or so that he proceeded to hit his tee shot on River 1 a whopping 110 yards.

Len was also selected for the putting contest, though he was under the influence of another fruit, albeit fermented ... the "grape" ... at the time. His effort blazed past the hole at light speed. The second contestant for the putting contest was none other than Steve "The Amazing" Melnik, who had earlier shot a rather clean 76 gross (68 net ... hmmm, the word "sandbagger" should be typed here). Steve's putter more closely resembles a 22" hammer that, when combined with his claw grip and extremely bent-forward stance, makes Steve appear ready to pry a rusty nail from an old two-by-four. Steve's attempt was woefully short, though those in attendance viewing his performance were heard muttering that Steve is short in so many other areas as well. Steve is not, as we all know from his vehicle's vanity licence plate (i.e., "GR8 Melnik"), short on ego, though some have enquired why he would choose to display prominently that he has only a Grade 8 education. To paraphrase the observations of former NHL player Eddie Shack, Steve was able to pass Grade 4 only after he lent his car to the teacher.

While on the subject of the number four (4), Director of Golf Matt Simmons offered a "Four-man Blind Net" format. The awards ceremony was a rather sombre affair, given that most of the participants had departed immediately after wolfing down Chef Robert Mathieson's great buffet dinner (i.e., lasagne, Swedish meat balls, and roast beef). If this trend continues, one might consider holding the awards ceremony at a livelier location, such as ... oh, say ... Blake's Funeral Chapel. First place (297 net) was attained in a tie by: (a) Andrew "Pug Jr." Christie, Charlie "Ayatollah" Ihantola, "Bagger Vance" Overacker, and Les "Not More" Swan; and (b) Barry "The (Salad) Buffet" Buffington, Walter "South Beach" Flasza, Steve "The Amazing" Melnik, and Dr. Jerry "Fussy" Smith. This eightsome was greeted with a rancor that would have answered the age-old philosophical question, "What is the sound of one-hand clapping?"

Joe "Indiano" Crupi won the "Closest to the Hole" contest on Forest 5. His tee shot on that hole was the first of the day and, at a distance of of about 18", withstood the efforts of the remaining participants who followed. Mind you, the last time that Joe was that close to any hole occurred on his Prom Night circa 1986. Mike "Twigs" Auld won the "Closest to the Hole" contest on River 4, yet missed his birdie putt due to the fatigue associated with the long downhill walk to the green. For his next Men's Night outing, should Mike should rent a power cart or miss the green entirely.

In addition to the donations of cash and crates of unknown fruit, Dan "Not Dave" Stezenko and David "Not Dan" Stezenko also contributed a flower arrangement to promote the fact that Quality Market has added this service to its retail grocery and food catering operations. (It is most evident that, when not working or golfing, both are studying marketing.) This flower arrangement was awarded via a random draw with the condition that one had to be in attendance to win. The first name chosen was that of Darrin "Not Dale or Dan" Poulin, who had already departed. In retrospect, it was perhaps best that Darrin was not present, given that he would have probably eaten this arrangement believing it to be some form of leafy fruit. The ultimate recipient upon the drawing of an alternate name was, in fact, John "G-mac" Dolcetti, whom some feared might be compelled to place the arrangement on his casket given the self-induced heart-stopping effects of his career round (86 gross/67 net) earlier that afternoon. 

Finally, a Whitewater Golf Club sweater was awarded via a random draw to each of Dale "Not Dan or Darrin" Poulin and Paul "Waste O'Height" Fitzpatrick. The concurrent selection of these two (2) individuals represents the greatest height disparity between any prize recipients since the commencement of the Men's Night Programme. Neither made it to the podium to collect this swag, but we are able to surmise the following: On Dale, the sweater will look like a dress and, on Paul, it will look like a halter top.

That is all.