Greetings, all.

The title of Week 1's blog is not indicative of your dutiful scribe's preference for the rhyming scheme offered by rap singer Eminem or for the vulgar language employed by comic Andrew Dice Clay, given that he much prefers the musical stylings of Kevin "(Pete) Seeger" Wilberforce and the stand-up comedy of Trevor "Gomer" Bon. If either reference appears overly cryptic for this forum or is otherwise lost upon you, one might enquire gently of Saleem "Omar" Malik, who celebrated recently his 60th birthday and, as a result, is now eligible:

(a) for a discount in respect of the cost of any "early bird blue plate special" offered by most restaurants located in ... oh, say ... Florida, Arizona, and Texas, where the elderly denizens customarily eat dinner at 4 p.m.; and

(b) to play regularly the White tees at the Whitewater Golf Club without suffering derision, ridicule, or scorn from other members, at least according to the (self-serving) rationale provided by Don "Key-Ho" Kehoe.

Rumours to the effect that Saleem has regularly eaten his dinner at 4 p.m. and has played continually the White tees at the Whitewater Golf Club since 2004 are rampant, yet cannot be confirmed. 'Nuff said.

Speaking of advanced age, a hearty welcome is extended to George "Fortran" Fleming, who is the Whitewater Golf Club's newest member and is also a rookie Men's Night Programme registrant. George last played golf regularly when Louis St-Laurent (or, perhaps, Wilfrid Laurier) was the Prime Minister of Canada and, accordingly, his membership will raise the average age of the Whitewater Golf Club's members from 56 years to 58 years. To ensure that George did not feel ill-at-ease during his initial Wednesday round, Director of Golf Matt "Big Daddy" Simmons wisely paired him with Greg "Otto" Pilot and their combined gross score was slightly in excess of the boiling point of water in degrees Fahrenheit. It is, of course, rather easy to mock playfully George's opening effort because it is premised solely on jealousy and envy: The only means in which this anonymous blog writer will be able to play golf at George's age entails the existence of a golf course, and the presence of a retailer of Callaway golf clubs, in Hell.

Callaway, you say? Well, what a convenient segue. Ted "Hagar" Hanlon and Jeff "Mutt" Mauro arrived from Winnipeg to conduct a Callaway Demo Day at the ... cough, cough ... "Learning Centre" or, if you prefer, "Practice Facility". (Okay, it's really a "driving range," but one should not use this term when speaking to Whitewater Golf Club proprietor/owner Silvio "God" Di Gregorio, unless one wants to model the latest scarpi del cementa). Ted and Jeff subsequently set up a canopy on the par-3 River 4 tee box and conducted a contest that offered 18 Callaway HEX Black Tour golf balls (for the price of a dozen such balls, naturally) if one "hit" the green with one's tee shot. Even if one were not so inclined to part with one's hard-earned cash for this purpose, any such tee shot that "hit" the green was subject to the reward of a single golf ball. Larry "Plumber" Craig tested quickly the integrity of the competition, given that he claimed to have "hit" the green despite the fact that his tee shot landed ... er, um, uh ... well short. Ted and Jeff either were in desperate need of eyeglasses or were operating under the mistaken assumption that golfers do not lie because they still rewarded Larry with a complimentary golf ball. At this stage, one might assume that fate, karma, or kismet would have doomed Larry to record a double bogey or worse on this hole; however, he chipped in from 30 yards for a birdie. Go figure.

On the subject of one's fortune, many members were afflicted or cursed this week with scores that were not in keeping with their customary results. Such is often the case early in the golf season when one's swing suffers from the rust, and one's girth suffers from the gain, accumulated during the winter. One is sorely reminded of the black bear, which is endemic to this region, that awakes groggily from its annual hibernation and experiences some initial lack of muscular co-ordination, save and except that the bear ... oh, say ... loses weight and retains its hair. Alas, the same cannot be said of the Whitewater Golf Club's members. Nonetheless, the still-slim and still-hairy Director of Golf Matt "Big Daddy" Simmons conducted a "Two-man Blind Net" contest to award the "swag" that was acquired through the generous donation of $500 that was provided by Dave "Hef" Rooney and John "Artie" Shaw, of Dewhurst Insurance Ltd., who served as this week's sponsor. The winners were as follows:

Colin claimed credit for the first-place finish almost as well as he has deflected blame for the spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and punctuation gaffes contained in any issue of the The Chronicle-Journal (motto: "The newspaper that covers the Northwest as well as the bottom of most birdcages"). John is so unaccustomed to receiving a skill-based award that he mistakenly believed that a random draw was underway when he heard the announcement of his name. Gary had departed prior to dinner immediately after having finished two post-round beers, though Barry was still present to accept his prize after having finished two post-round chickens. Andy, who played the Blue tees, indicated that he might have placed first if Clint had played the Red, instead of the White, tees. Upon receipt of his gift certificate, Larry undertook a results-based analysis associated with a $25 prize for a fourth-place tie relative to a $40 prize for a first-place finish and concluded that the $15 difference did not warrant a better effort on his part. Moreover, Larry was still chuckling throughout dinner and afterwards about the complimentary Callaway HEX Black Tour golf ball that he had obtained under false pretenses on River 4.

The "Closest to the Hole" prizes were awarded as follows:

After accepting yet another prize, Guy decided to relocate to a table that was closer to the front of the dining room, which would save him from the long, arduous, and apparently most frequent walk to the podium. Dave's tee shot on Forest 8 finished about one foot from the hole or, as he described it based on the location of his winter home, "about the length of a three-month-old rattlesnake". Local child and adolescent golf prodigy Jamie, who is a new Intermediate member of the Whitewater Golf Club, announced his intention to fund the initiation fee incurred by winning prizes frequently on Wednesday afternoons. John graciously declined to accept the prize for his efforts on River 6 and asked that the amount be applied to a random-draw prize. That was a grand and first-class gesture, which allows most to conclude that John could not possibly be associated with the insurance business.

The final skill-based prizes were awarded for the "Longest Drive" on Forest 3. To ensure that such prizes might otherwise be allocated to those "gorillas" other than Andrew "Pug, Jr." Christie and Walter "O.B." Keating, Jr., a handicap of 12 was arbitrarily selected as the threshold point of division. The winners were as follows:

Shortly after Sean hit his tee shot on this hole, NASA called the Whitewater Golf Club's Pro Shop to advise that there was a round object orbiting the Township of Oliver-Paipoonage. Bill indicated that a favourable forward bounce off a cart path will always enhance the length of one's tee shot.

There were numerous random-draw prizes, which were once again attributable in large measure to the generosity of Ted and Jeff from Callaway Golf. The lucky souls (who were in attendance at the time of the draw) are listed below:

Les was seen in the parking lot attempting to sell the wedge for $75 so that he might have sufficient funds to pay his baby-sitter upon returning home. One should enquire as to the services provided by this baby-sitter if the amount of $75 were required. Barry "The Buffet" Buffington asked if anyone knew the title of the Charlie Chaplin film in which "The Little Tramp" boils and eats a shoe. That movie is not, as they say, an instructional video. Barry "Beanshave" Caland uses a golf ball retriever as infrequently as Jack "Porky" Mallon uses a pull-cart, though in an ironic twist the latter uses a golf ball retriever as frequently as the former uses a pull-cart. George indicated that the Callaway glassware would be used exclusively for non-alcoholic beverages, which suggests that they might remain in their original packaging throughout his period of ownership. Dave explained the capacity of each Callaway shot glass as the "ability to hold one rattlesnake egg". One may infer that, wherever Dave lives during the winter, rattlesnakes are prevalent. In the foursomes in which he plays, Rick will never use the Callaway golf ball markers, given that one's golf ball must be ... oh, say ... closest to the hole for this purpose. Owing to the generosity of John "Artie" Shaw, who declined his "Closest to the Hole" prize on River 6, that $25 gift certificate was won by Kevin, who will likely enquire whether any of the lads in the Pro Shop offer lessons ... uh, guitar lessons, that is.

The putting contest for $72 was not won by either of the two contestants, Paul "Limey" O'Neill and Redge "Bypass" McCollum. Kari "Styles" Rikkonen, who was entrusted with supervising that affair, claimed that each putt "lipped out," which is ... in a manner similar to most utterances offered by this young lad ... complete horse shit.

Finally, the "Gross Skins" competition was a complete and unmitigated D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R when one considers that only three of the 70 Men's Night Programme registrants paid the $5 fee, to wit: Mark "Papa Smurf" Colosimo, Brian "Weasel" MacIvor, and Dan "The Tall One" Poulin. One might charitably attribute the lack of interest in this format to a lack of awareness or, in the alternative, to a preponderance of apathy. There was a whisper among those in the dining room that almost one-half of the 70 registrants have handicaps that fall within the 11 - 20 flight and that this ten-shot difference represents an overly wide disparity. In response, four flights will now be used, as follows: 0 - 10, 11 - 15, 16 - 20, and 21 - 40, wherein each flight contains presently no fewer than 15, and no more than 22, registrants. In any event, the "usual gang of idiots" who volunteer their time towards the organisation of the Men's Night Programme remain optimistic that more registrants might part willingly with the oh-so-hefty weekly sum of $5 for this purpose.

That is all.